Me - what's it like to be a cat?
Maggie - it's both overwhelming and underwhelming. I desire more and less.
Me - what?
Maggie - being a cat is one existential nightmare after another in days that pass as if they were daydreams.
Me - um, are you on drugs?
Maggie - we're all on drugs, a drug called death. We seek to live but wait for death to embrace us in a chilly, yet comforting hug.
Me looking at cat with one eyebrow raised.
Maggie begins to lick her butt.
Rufus - hey, did you know there's this furry thing stuck to my butt? It tastes a lot like me and is super fun to chase.
Me - what are you thinking about?
Maggie - how we live to die and die to live in a world that spits us out after chewing on us.
Me - that's interesting.
Maggie - Oh I know you only placate me because you think I have a small brain in my tiny head, but if you only knew the agony it was to be a cat.
Me - Really? Seems pretty easy to me. I feed you, clean your cat box out several times a day, and what do you do most of the day? Sleep.
Maggie - It is the same every day. You think I live a fulfilling life, but I feel so empty. I stand in front of an empty chasm and that purring noise is not happiness, but me filling the hollow hole created by despair.
Me - What?
Maggie turns to lick a white paw.
Rufus runs into room - Did you guys see that? I ran faster than the thing attached to my butt! I'm gonna see if I can do it again!
Rufus runs out of room
Me - Maggie why aren't you eating your food this morning?
Maggie - everything tastes like sadness and despair.
Me - I think you're overreacting.
Maggie - my heart keeps beating but the sound is hollow. This food doesn't fill me. Eating is an empty gesture.
Me - but it's some of your favorite food.
Maggie - it only fills me with more despair and causes me to wonder about my cavernous existence.
Me - um...
Maggie sits next to plate and starts licking dainty white paw.
Rufus with a mouthful of food - oh my god this is the best thing I've ever tasted we must eat this all the time...like forever.
Me - can you please get off my clean laundry?
Maggie - is it really clean? All our lives we are taught one thing but it's really something else
Me - and why are you sleeping on my white shirt?
Maggie - the question really is why aren't you.
Me - I can't talk to you when you're like this.
Maggie - talking is just the beginning of the end of a pitiful existence.
Rufus - get it off get it off get it off...oh it's just my tail.
Me - you're so freaking cute!
Maggie - I am not a child, cute is for kittens.
Me - but you're so dainty and small and cute.
Maggie - you fill me with an emptiness so deep it's a pit of dark despair.
Me - why?
Maggie - I am a cat, majesty of all, owner of nothing.
Maggie turns and starts licking a dainty white paw.
Rufus - oh my god oh my god oh my god the lightening and thunder and rain and I'm so scared! Hold me!
Me - there, are you happy now? I just gave you fresh water.
Maggie - I will drink it but I won't enjoy it with all of the suffering in the world.
Me - you don't even have to worry about that, you have a great life here as a spoiled old lady.
Maggie - I take joy in nothing as I know living is just the absence of death.
Me - I have no words.
Maggie sticks head into red solo cup I just used to pour fresh water into the water fountain.
Rufus - the best water comes from the sky in that small glass water room you sometimes stand in.
Me - I think it's nap time, want to join me?
Maggie - Naps are for amateurs, I am a professional. You disgust me with your attempts to be social.
Me - Ouch, that's kind of harsh.
Maggie - I own the bed, the couch, you can sleep on the floor like a servant.
Me - I paid for all of that.
Maggie - Money is the essence of evil, you lay in despair if you bring up money to me.
Me - You confuse me.
Maggie stretches out on the bed, taking it over.
Rufus - I want to SLEEEEEPPPP with my human! I want to SLEEEPPPPP on my human! I want to SLEEEEPPPP and sneeze on your face!