In the end

In the end I got a card, it said call me, I never got around to it.
In the end I looked at everything in your house, I looked at the emptiness and it felt my heart with dread.
In the end I wandered into your bedroom and saw nothing left of you.
In the end I drove out of town for the last time, realizing it was the last time and I had no reason to go to your house again.
In the end my tears made it hard to drive as I got further and further away from my memories of you.

In the end I was told I couldn't hold her because all I wanted to do was see a dead body.
In the end no one thought I was sad because I didn't cry, or look depressed, but everyone grieves differently.
In the end I realized we would never meet, and I had waited so long.
In the end no one held me and told me it was going to be okay, as I told my siblings it would be okay and tried to be strong for them, and my parents.
In the end no one comforted me so I cried in the shower, and in the dark of night, and I tried to move on, but it is always hard.

In the end I watched as he slid deeper and deeper into fever dreams.
In the end I don't think he knew I was there as I placed the cool washcloth on his warm head.
In the end I saw how thin and and small he had become.
In the end I bottled things up as he became quite.
In the end I tried hard not to break when he left this world.
In the end I sat in a dark bathroom missing him and clutching a small stuffed tiger to my chest.
In the end I knew we'd never talk again, and I'd never be able to ask all the questions I saved because I was too sad watching the disease eat away at his body, his strength, his ability to walk with me to get ice cream.

In the end I never knew who she was. 
In the end I regretted never reaching out on my own to say hello and get to know her.
In the end when she passed I wasn't able to say goodbye. 
In the end I missed my opportunity.
In the end I realized it probably wasn't my fault.

In the end we all have these thoughts. In the end we regret the decisions that we should have, could have, or would have made. We wait. We wait to call because we know they are sick and don't want to bother them. We wait to say we love them because we are waiting to meet them. We wait to hug them because they are so fragile and we are afraid we might break them. We wait to get to know them because of the influences of others. We wait. We lose. 

I miss them all, all of them and more. 

Don't wait. In the end you never get a second chance.