Loss sucks. Wanting to pick up the phone and call the person you can no longer call, one of the most shocking and depressing feelings. Wanting to send a funny picture, book, postcard, it all hurts like tiny needles being stuck in your chest, then you realize you can't ever send that thing because that person is never going to be there. Wanting a hard hug or a soft word or to share that inside joke one last time, it all stings.
I've lost many people important to me, some to the cloaked ghost of death and some to the busy fog of life. They disappear and I'm not always sure where they have gone or what to do after they have disappeared. When my grandfather passed I was distraught, I knew I would never get ice cream with him again, in fact there are times when just the thought of ice cream makes me want to cry. I lost my sister, I never met her, yet I still feel the pain of her never being there like a weird black hole. I lost my mother-in-law and I feel so guilty because in the last card she sent she wrote, "CALL ME." I never did, and now I never can.
Loss comes with so many emotions, love, anger, guilt, more love, distress, sadness, joy, more love.
I don't know how we (people) do it. We lose people and yet we continue to go on. We are so resilient and yet so fragile. I feel like I could break at any moment, and yet I know I will continue on. Why? Because if I don't share the memories I have of the people that I have lost they will disappear. Who will share them if I don't?
Loss is hard for everyone. Heartache feels like a bullet has passed through your chest and all you are sucking in is cold, dead air.
I should be posting about other stuff, more related to what I write and horror, but sometimes, life interferes, and I've gotta write about what is going on.
As long as I'm writing I'm okay.